dive time
Posted by Ian Marshall's Double in Everton | 30 March 2006
Men cheat for the same reason that dogs lick their balls………because they can. Kim Catrall
As promised, a gander at those Everton players who have broken the taboo and decided to dive for the blues. We pride ourselves on being ‘the club who has slightly less divers than some others’, but who’s really stunk out the gaff with their plunging?
Limpar – Is this the first player you can ever remember diving for Everton? And what a dive, Wimbledon at home. So how do we feel about that one? Well, you’ve got a have a bit of sympathy for the ref. In the quick feet stakes, our Anders was Roy Castle-esque.
Barmby – The evil one. His ability to 'go down easily' came to the fore in a cup match at home to Birmingham City. Their manager at the time Trevor Francis bleated like mad afterwards at the 2 penalties Barmby ‘earned’. Was this fair? Yeah probably. Evertonians got a taste for how it feels to be on the receiving end as (Die Die Nicky) Nicky (Die), decided to take a tumble in front of the Everton fans at Elland Road. Serious ‘heart in mouth’ moment. As it turned out, he had dived, he got booked for diving and we went on to win the game. No doubt he’s supported Leeds as a kid and it had always been his ambition etc etc etc. Prick.
Radzinski – What is it about these traitorous types which make them hit the deck so easily. Ratzinski had those quick feet too, but really only needed the lightest of touches, the kind you may lightly apply to the arm of a work colleague who's crying, before he was rolling around, whining like a little yappy dog. Struggles to get on the bench for Fulham now, TS.
Jeffers and Rooney – The Croxteth massive are a different case in point. Real Life Blues, whilst desperately striving to be a bit impartial, seriously believes these players didn’t dive until they left the School of Science. With Jeffers heading straight for the University of Diving this was no big shock, after all this is the home of Pires, Greg Louganis is disguise. As for ‘The Kid’, fading memories recall him bulldozing through defences, stupidly staying on his feet when he had clearly been fouled. A move to the dark side, and a couple of training sessions with van Nistelrooy (can you ever forget his dive at Goodison at the end of the 2002/3 season?), and he’s at it big time. Most famously, he helped end Arsenal’s unbeaten run by ‘earning’ a penalty awarded by, yep, you’ve guessed it, the optically challenged, Shredded Wheat haired, Monty Burns lookalike, Mr Michael (of Leeds) Riley.
Everton ’06 – Erm, well, Arteta certainly ‘wins’ a lot of free-kicks. Tim Cahill seems to take in all forms of gamesmanship (probably an Aussie thing) and will happily take a tumble if it helps. Our lank haired left backs, Pistone and Valente, now sadly out for the season, also don’t mind ‘going to ground’ if the opportunity presents itself.
In summary, we’re probably still not as bad as many other clubs, but we are certainly not blameless. The gormless looking Brian Barwick, a dead ringer for Tommy Brown - Fulchester United's manager, is trying to do something about it. Surely the easiest way is to do that ‘on report’ signal they use in Rugby League, you know the one, looks like they’re dancing to Prince Charming by Adam and the Ants. No booking, no sending off, if they’ve dived, automatic 3-game ban. Followed by 4, followed by 7, or however many they give big Dunc for a playful push in the face.
That’s all for now. Sunderland preview up next.
Comments
I recall that Alexandersson, Blomqvist and Ginola were quite partial to playing horizontally. Some good selections there.
Yep Prolix, right again. I am trying to re-write history and categorise those as bit part players but you are bang on.
A certain Mr D Hutchinson has also been cited as a 'winner' of free kicks.