Fergie The Fluffy, Rafa The Realistic... Must Be April Fool
Posted by Zeno in Alex Ferguson, Chelsea, Rafa Benitez | 18 April 2006
Sir Alex Ferguson must have been reading up on his Sherlock Holmes. Nearly all of us, at one time or another, must have heard the great detective’s dictum… a sort of deductive Occam’s Razor. “When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains – however improbable – must be the truth.”
Well, it’s still possible for Manchester United to catch Chelsea. Surely, however, the idea of overhauling a 9-point lead and 12-goal difference in the final 3 games remains comfortable ensconced in the realms of the wildly improbable. But despite staring at a third consecutive League-less season, the auld Scot still had a wisp of humour for those who would listen.
“Is it still April 9th?” asked Ferg, referring to the date on which Jose claimed his Blues would seal consecutive titles. I wonder if it’s as difficult for you lot as it is for me to envisage this supremely dour man tossing out witticisms with a twinkly smile on his face. But thanks to Nike’s huge marketing budgets, we’ve all now seen the Wayne Rooney ad in which the young lad takes it upon himself to keep goal in a United practice game. His aerial contortions are impressive… until he decides that he needs to take the scoring upon himself as well. Off he runs, the classic rush goalie, jinking past his team-mates with the greatest of ease and then rifling the ball past Tim Howard in the opposition goal. The latter then thumps a long kick out to score his own in Rooney’s unattended goal. And through it all stands Ferguson, chuckling away like a Scottish Santa Claus. His cheeks aglow, his tracksuit so bright, his sack a-bulge. I almost expected to see a herd of reindeer canter across the sky pulling a Lexus SUV sleigh with full body kit and bull bar.
Nike’s campaign is all about the joy of football, of revelling in the “joga bonito” (that’s “beautiful game” in Portuguese, to thee and me). Admirably timed, we might think, given the recent spotlight aimed at gamesmanship and entertainment. Nike’s Voice on Earth (the footballing equivalent of the Metatron or Angel Gabriel) is fluffy old Eric Cantona. If he’d been carrying all that weight around back when he was playing for the Mancs, I suspect that Crystal Palace supporter might have kept his gob shut. The thought of 16 stone of hairy Frenchman flying feet first at you over an advertising hoarding is rather more frightening than that of the relatively slimline silhouette that the enfant terrible used to cut.
So there we have it… a cuddly Ferg and a roly-poly Cantona espousing the joys of juggling your balls. And as I watched wee Wayne charging down the pitch as if trying to escape Colleen’s latest Visa bill, I was reminded of José’s comments about the Arsenal – Spurs game last season that ended 5-4. “5-4 is a hockey score, not a football score. In a three-against-three training match, if the score reaches 5-4 I send the players back to the dressing rooms as they are not defending properly. So to get a result like that in a game of 11 against 11 is disgraceful." And you’re not telling me that José is more of a disciplinarian from the infamous hairdryer-wielding scourge of Salford. Does anyone else harbour the sneaking suspicion that, had the incident not been generously funded by South East Asia’s favourite footwear brand, Ferguson would have been jumping up and down on the touchline screaming incomprehensible Scots oaths? Just me, then? No, I didn’t think so.
To finish up, does anyone remember this little gem?
"When they start talking and talking and talking about us, it shows they are worried about playing against Liverpool. They talk a lot, always, and that shows they have a lot of respect for us. Maybe they are afraid. I hope they will be after the weekend."
Then we have this one:
“Teams know better now how to try to beat them. They have learned how to play against them and clubs and players no longer fear them. We know that they can be beaten now. It is only the start, but every year it will become more and more difficult for them. Of course, we need more money to be contenders, but we do what we can and with United, for example, we are seeing the gap closing.”
Can you spot the difference? The first, of course, was “Classy” Rafa Benitez’ comments immediately before Chelsea thumped them 4-1 at Anfield. The latter was the same Iberian gentleman doing his best to crank up the ante before the Cup semi-final this Saturday.
I can’t help but pity Liverpool, despite how sick I am of seeing their team turn out against mine. Despite all the chest-beating, I don’t know a single Scouser that won’t confess to you (when they’re tired and booze-ridden) that the lack of a recent League title is the one that hurts the most. They queue up to tell you how classy their history makes them. They’ll strap Rafael Benitez to a stick like a portly toffee apple and announce that he’s the most brilliant tactician since Wellington. Best fans in the world.
Me, I think Benitez is a smart guy. How else to explain the wit of his “every year, it will become more and more difficult for (Chelsea)”? How many years does that give him, do you think? How long before Anfield tires of the misfiring strikers and on-loan estate agents? 2? 3? Mr Benitez may not command the £5m-plus per year that José reportedly earns, but I doubt that he’s living in Liverpool on a love-and-cuddles basis. I’ll forebear myself, but insert your own hubcap-related gag here.
Comments
Bang on mate!!!I cant believe that these guys say anything they want to and better still the press supporting them even more!!! Frankly i dont think King Jose is gonna mind at all bcos he is as good as his word and all that matters is winning..Come on Ya Blues!!!
Cheers
