Blues To Rule All By 2007
Posted by Zeno in Chelsea | 6 April 2006
Reproduced with the permission of a mate on the excellent CFCnet.
It’s been a chequered season. Yes, I’m conscious that we’re not all done with the League just yet, and we’ll need another game or two before we can relax and enjoy a League – Cup double. But I’m sure there are Chelsea fans out there who would like to take a moment and step away from the madding crowd… to rise above the hurly-burly and – just for a minute – think ahead to the World Cup and the season beyond.
May 2006
Controvery and speculation has dogged almost every aspect of the Blues’ season so far, so it surprises few when Manchester United, backed by budget billionaire Malcolm Thingy, mount a High Court appeal to Chelsea’s 05-06 Premiership title. Citing, among other charges, the practice of “extraordinary rendition” (defined ‘as collecting the ball somewhere on the pitch, then scoring with it more often than Manchester United Football Club’) the Old Trafford-based Yankee consortium also brings a civil suit against the champions following CFC’s link-up with American sports group AEG. The civil suit attempts to set a legal precedent, banning Chelsea (and, by extension, all clubs) from “sticking their gosh-darn nose into our back yard there, boy”. Mediators expect the suit to be resolved in early 2016.
June 2006
Chelsea players, including all potential transfer targets, are ruled out of participation in the World Cup finals. FIFA officials cite “negative publicity” and “keeping the game beautiful” as their key concerns. The World Cup 2006 is called off shortly afterwards, with the top seeded teams each only able to field 9 players. Sepp Blatter calls it “ a victory for sport”.
August 2006
Chelsea sign John Terry and Frank Lampard. When queried as to how the supporters could possibly get excited about the club signing players already on their books, Peter Kenyon shrugs off criticism, saying “It worked for Liverpool and Steven Gerrard last summer”.
September 2006
Chelsea head into an early lead in the Premiership despite new League rules designed to promote entertainment on the football field. Although Arsenal’s half-time pole-dancing initiative and Man United’s cheerleader-as-sweeper strategy puts them both in a strong position, Chelsea still manage to amass more points than anyone else through the simple expedient of scoring more and conceding less. “You say it’s boring,” says Jose Mourinho “but we say it’s football.” Newcastle, well-placed in fourth, seem to have turned their poor spell around. “We’re as shite as ever,” admits new manager Howlin’ Mad Murdoch (formerly of the A-Team) “but at least now we don’t mind being laughed at. It counts as entertainment, which means points!”
December 2006
With Chelsea’s lead of 10 points giving them a commanding position going into the Christmas period, it turns to the captains of the title challengers to give their supporters a much-needed boost. “We can catch Chelsea,” said Gary Neville, just like he did the previous season. And the season before that. Meanwhile Pierre Delon, Arsenal’s new 14-year-old captain and talisman, assured Gooners throughout the Home Counties that his side would be challenging for honours this season, before being sent to his room to finish his maths homework.
January 2007
Chelsea buy Argentina. “This is in line with our vision of making Chelsea Football Club the pre-eminent force for evil… sorry, the pre-eminent force in football for the foreseeable future” remarks Peter Kenyon. “Thanks to our purchase of Argentina, Chelsea now have access to the very best young South American footballing talent. Not to mention some very good steak, a bit of a dodgy economy and several hundred thousand square miles of cattle farms. Medium rare, please.”
March 2007
Chelsea consolidate their position at the top of the League with a 9-0 home victory over Liverpool. “It’s not about winning the title, or retaining it,” says Jamie Carragher. “The really REALLY tough thing to do is win it three times in a row. And I should know, I… oh.”
May 2007
Chelsea confirm their third consecutive Premiership title as Manchester United surrender on the Old Trafford pitch at half-time. “What’s the point?” Gary Neville is quoted as saying. “We’re not fooling anyone. I’d rather have an early bath and get back to staring longingly at photographs of David Beckham.”
